The Laziest Servant
by ThousandMastery
Summary: Me in place of Heracles in Fate/Stay Night. Summoned as the Berserker class, how will I even fare against servants as the weakest out of them? Find out! (I don't know either!) *Written for the hell of it. An crack fic.
1. Derp 01

**A/N: Well I always wanted to try to write this fic. What would it be like if I fought in the 5th HGW as a servant? And I wonder how I will fare...**

**As Berserker. Any future is possible. Me, yet not me. And so, the story of the SupremeZero, ThousandMastery begins!**

**I own nothing except for one character: Berserker (this story) and the plot.**

* * *

"Servant..." The small doll-like girl known as Illyasviel Von Einzbern says as she stared at the giant stone slab. It was the summoning reagent of Hercules, the greatest hero of Greece for the Holy Grail War.

The head of the Einzern: Jubstacheit von Einzbern had prepared all the necessities in advance for the summoning of the Berserker class for the strongest servant they could get. After failing the previous four Holy Grail Wars, he tried to mend their mistakes.

In the first war, they were completely unprepared and the War was completely chaotic, so no winner was determined. Then the three founding families; Einzbern, Tohsaka and Makiri decided to make some rules to make the War possible to win.

All three families were plotting of course, and this time they were all prepared.

Before the second war, they had found a loophole in the system designed by Justeaze, the first container and one of the founders of the Holy Grail War. HGW for short.

Next, at the third war they had tried to summon the Dark God Angra Mainyu, All of the World's Evil in the Avenger class. They were completely disappointed with the weak servant, and he was killed easily being weaker than even his own master.

Then, during the fourth war they managed to gather the best cards they could. The strongest servant they could think of was summoned by excavating the Holy Sheathe of Arthur Pendragon, the King of Knights and the master of her would be the exceptional and infamous Magus Killer Kiritsugu Emiya. They were suddenly betrayed at the end of the war. The humiliation and 'mistake' came from bringing an outsider into the war, just barely from the grasps of victory and was lost. They would not allow themselves make another mistake; no more.

Now, two months before the official fifth Holy Grail War, the Einzbern had been disappointed time and time again. They had gathered the materials for summoning as purely preparation; all the materials for the servant Berserker were present.

"...Can I really do it..." Illyasviel wondered to herself. She had no experience whatsoever in this area after all. Having her body altered to be physically a walking set of magic circuits, she was not even half as tall as the slab of stone. She had to prepare, and the grandfather wouldn't tolerate any failures after all.

Well, you know what they say; practice makes perfect!

Illyasviel reassured herself, taking a deep breath so she would not fail the summoning.

* * *

***Note that the author has no idea how to speak or even write German, though the character will be doing so.***

* * *

_**"Silver and iron to the origin. Gem and the archduke of contracts to the cornerstone. The ancestor is my great master Schweinorg.**_

_** The alighted wind becomes a wall. The gates in the four directions close, coming from the crown, the three-forked road that leads to the kingdom circulate.**_

_**Shut (fill). Shut (fill). Shut (fill). Shut (fill). Shut (fill).**_

_**Repeat every five times.**_

_**Simply, shatter once filled.**_

_**―I announce.**_

_**Your self is under me, my fate(doom) is in your sword. **_

_**In accordance with the approach of the Holy Grail, if you abide by this feeling, this reason, then answer.**_

_**Here is my oath. I am the one who becomes all the good of the world of the dead, I am the one who lays out all the evil of the world of the dead.**_

_**You, seven heavens clad in three words of power, arrive from the ring of deterrence, O keeper of the balance!**_

_**Yet, thou serves with thine eyes clouded in chaos. **_

_**Thou, bound in the cage of madness. I am she who command those chains!"**_

An surge of energy erupts from the girl. Grinding her teeth in pain, a tall figure reveals its physical form before her.

"..." The taller man stood in front of Illyasviel. The man had his long hair of black bangs covering his red hawk-like eyes. His features of his skin were a fair light tan but not exactly handsome. He was wearing a black hooded jacket with the zipper open, revealing a purple sweater underneath and long brown trousers that people wouldn't find in Germany. His shoes were strange though.

"Haha... I did it!" She manages to mouth the words in pain. "Now I can..."

The homunculus pants. The summoning was too overbearing, to summon an heroic spirit 2 months prior to the actual ritual was nearly impossible.

The man steps forward and a jolt of pain is sent through her body, heating it up past 103 degrees Fahrenheit.

"You okay?" The taller servant spoke as he took something out of his ear, grasping the girl who was wobbling.

She nearly fell, if not for the servant kneeling to catch her. "Hey!" Berserker caught her, and she let out a shriek of pain despite being unconscious.

_'What the hell is going on... It's the Holy Grail War thing right? Why is this little girl here and why did she faint?' _The servant Berserker wondered, carrying the tiny girl in his arms and to a bed that appeared out of nowhere.

Covering her with many blankets since it was an old western castle made of stone and in a middle of blizzard all things, he disappeared into spirit form.

And in that day, the weakest Berserker was born into the 5th Holy Grail War.

* * *

_"...She summoned Berserker just now?"_ The old man with silver white hair and beard with matching clothes known as Jubstacheit von Einzbern, AKA Acht responded after hearing the homunculus' report.

_"Yes."_ The homunculus dressed in a white maid outfit, Sella nodded. Her counterpart twin, Leysritt stood still and didn't say a thing.

_"I didn't expect this..."_ The elder man narrowed his eyes. _"It's too early. The ritual won't begin until 2 months later."_

_"Yes. Milady is exhausted and her energy is too low. If he even moves a muscle he will consume much of her power, so he has remained in spirit form up until now." Sella replied._

"_...Tell me. What is the name of that servant?_" Acht said solemnly.

"_We are not sure. We can trace the magic of the summoning being used, but the servant has refused to manifest his physical form even once._" Sella calmly stated despite him figuring out who wasn't summoned.

_"Very well. Let Illyasviel sleep. I will have my answers later."_ The old man commanded.

The two maids bowed in response and left the room, closing the door behind them.

_"...Another failure."_ He scowled.

* * *

The next day, Illyasviel woke up in her room with both maids Sella and Leysritt tending to her. But that wasn't what bothered her.

Jumping out of bed, she stared at the translucent figure showing his back, laying on the bed next to her.

"Ojou-sama?" Sella wondered why the small girl bounced out of the bed all of a sudden.

"S-Sella, why's this man sleeping next to me?" Illyasviel pointed at the bed. There was nobody there though.

"Man? You must be referring to your servant." Sella looked blankly at the empty bed. She could see nothing though.

"Eh... But I thought Heracles looked more..." Illyasviel moved her arms around. "Bigger than that!"

"Sorry I'm not that big." The servant Berserker mumbled, yawning from the bed as he was playing something. Only Illyasviel could see and hear him though. "Servant Berserker, nice to meet you." The man materialized for 3 seconds to say this although his back was facing the three, and disappeared once more.

"...That man doesn't seem to be Heracles." Sella noted.

"Eh? But he's big... And I used the reagent for the summoning!" Illyasviel told her side of the story.

"Also, Jubstacheit-sama wishes to speak with you." Sella informed the girl as she began dressing her.

...

"Illyasviel, I wish to see your servant." Acht said with a commanding voice.

"Yes, grandfather." Illyasviel complied. "Come out Berserker!" Illyasviel commanded.

"Ehh, I don't feel like it. I only want to look at bishoujo." The servant says in spirit form, as he continued playing with his weird gizmo that resembled a PSP. How he managed to pull it off in spirit form was another mystery.

"..." Illyasviel paused. Ten seconds had passed and still no sight of the servant.

"Illyasviel, where is your servant?" Acht asks, raising a brow.

"He says he doesn't feel like it." Illyasviel honestly reported.

"...Very well. I suppose we'll have to resort to other means." The man calmly gazed at the supposed 'ghost' was supposed to be standing.

"Does he really think I'm over there?" Berserker sighed from the couch, materializing for a second. "Happy?" Berserker returned to spirit form.

"Berserker. Stand up and politely reveal yourself." Illyasviel said as a command.

"What are you, my mother?" Berserker sighed, walking up close enough to the old man and materialized.

"Hm." The old man inspected Berserker's features.

"Hey, quit looking at me like that. It's creepy." Berserker says with a frown. "Can I go now?"

"Tell me, what is your name?" Acht asked with a glare.

"Uhh, I have too many to count." Berserker said with a shrug, and the girl behind him jolted. "If I tried to tell you all of them, I'd lose track of which one I was at."

"Very well... Then answer me: Are you Heracles? Or at least one he encountered in life." The older man stared at his face.

"Nope. Never met him." Berserker quickly answered.

"Then which hero are you?"

"That's the thing... I'm not a hero." Berserker answered with boredom in his voice.

_'So that's Berserker...'_ The head of the Einzbern pondered with the new information. _'How disappointing. For her to fail the summoning of Heracles.'_

"So are we done here or what? Did you need something else?" Berserker says, noticing the panting behind him. "Because I don't think I should stay out like this very long."

"I have nothing more to discuss. You may dismiss yourselves." Acht solemnly commanded.

_'Ugh. Another stuck up rich old man._' Berserker thought as he dematerialized. The three homunculus left the room along with the servant passing through walls.

* * *

'Grandfather must be disappointed with me... How did I end up summoning this lazy servant? I was supposed to have the strongest!' Illyasviel thought as she was lying on the bed once more. Although her body was heavily modified, she could barely stand to have the servant stay in physical form without any external support from the grail. The servant on the other hand, was still playing the gizmo with his hands that were moving weirdly.

"Hey, who are you really?" Illyasviel asked with her feverish face.

"Well, when I tell people who I am they call me a liar, someone who's pretending what they aren't." Berserker said with a flat tone, lying on the fuzzy, warm carpet that he requested the maids put. "I don't really have anything... Oh! Just call me Zero."

"Zero?" She tilted her head. 'As in Zero motivation and complete laziness?' She thought.

"Eh, there's many things I'm a Zero in... If it's something I'm called then it's fine." Berserker says as he began to be making some crunching sounds.

"For example?"

"Zero lies told." The servant bluntly stated. "I could list a lot but I would never get to the point."

"..." Illyasviel looked at Berserker in disbelief.

"Wanna tell me your name?" Berserker asked as he faced her for the first time, revealing to be able to reply despite his mouth being full.

"Illyasviel von Einzbern. What are you eating?" Illyasviel wondered as he swallowed whatever was in his mouth.

"What? Do you want some?" The servant turned his spirtual head behind him, revealing a bucket that was labeled 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' in his hand. "But I don't think sick little girls should be eating KFC."

"...You're a modern servant?" Illyasviel asked in surprise. Sure, the clothes would give it away, but who hasn't heard of KFC? Their chicken was infamous for a reason!

"I guess? Well I've rarely been to castles like these, much less a blizzard. What year is it anyway?" Berserker says, waving the drumstick in his hand.

"It's 2002." Illyasviel answered.

"Hm~" Berserker hummed, no longer interested in the revelation of the time._ 'So the past huh... Well that's to be expected.'_ "I see. But let's end the conversation here. It's getting late, your sick, and I'm sleepy." Berserker yawned.

"I'm not sick..." Illyasviel pouted despite the redness on her face.

"Well, it clearly looks like you have a fever to me. Your body temperature has risen past what it should normally be capable of, you're panting and would faint after standing up for almost half an hour. Actually, do you have AIDs or something? Cancer?"

"AIDs?" Illyasviel asked about the term.

"Oh yeah, little kids don't know about it..." Berserker sighed. "I forgot what 2002 was like... Did they have those smartphones yet? Nah... I shouldn't jump to conclusions and stuff."

"I'm not a little kid! I'm 18 years old!" Illyasviel sat up on the bed.

"...Really?" The servant titled his head. Illyasviel nodded. "Wow... What's your secret? Some women would even die to know."

"I'm a homunculus." Illya stated.

"...Really?" The servant asked for confirmation. Illya nodded once more. "Huh. I figured they would look more monster-like, but to look like someone cute enough to be in an anime is impressive."

"Cute? Me?"

"Yup. Cute enough that I would adopt you!" The servant grinned.

"T-thanks. That's the first time someone said that..." Illyasviel smiled without ill intent for once.

"Oh right, what should I call you?" Berserker asked as he put the boneless fried chicken back in the bucket, sitting up. "Illyasviel is kind of long. Can I call you Illya?"

"S-sure."

"Then, let's go to sleep Illya. Do you need me to sing a lullaby? I suck at it though." The servant smiled as he got up, materializing for moments to tuck the smaller girl in.

"Stop treating me like a little kid!" Illya says as her body was pulled under the covers.

"Hai hai. Good night. Hopefully you'll get better by tomorrow." Berserker materialized for a moment put out the lights.

'This guy doesn't seem berserker-like at all!' Sella thought as she peeked through a small crack in the door.

"Also, it seems we have a rat in the castle. I'll go take care of it." Berserker turned to the door.

* * *

"Oh, you look much better than you did yesterday." Berserker noted in his spirit form. He turned around since Illya was currently being undressed by her two maids.

"Ojou-sama, Jubstacheit-sama wants to speak with you today." Sella reported after Illya was fully clothed once more in her casual purple long sleeved shirt and boots. Below the shirt was a pure white skirt that went to her knees.

"Yes." Illya responded to both at once. "Let's go, Berserker."

"Sure... Wow, a skirt? I knew you were wearing one when we met, but isn't it a bit too cold around here for that?" Berserker asked after it was long enough to turn around. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Hehe, isn't it cute?" Illya giggled.

"It suits you. But I'm a bit worried." Berserker walked the girl down the hall. Sella and Liz were following behind them though.

Soon the four arrived to the old man's room once more.

However, they never expected to be thrown out into the cold winter.


	2. Derp 02

**A/N: I feel like continuing this. It's completely out of boredom, but meh. Not like anything's changed. I'm also wondering that more mad enhancement/higher parameters=more cost.**

**Berserker's armaments=His stuff that he always carries with him.**

**Also this is the first story I've put myself in as a character.**

* * *

Meanwhile, in a part of Akasha...

"..." The young woman with rich long brown hair and sapphire blue eyes felt a shiver run down her spine.

"What's wrong, Gaia?" The long golden blonde haired woman who noticed her counterpart, who suddenly stopped stamping the paperwork.

"I just feel that something is wrong, Alaya... Very, very wrong..." Gaia said with a grim expression.

"Oh right, it's that time of the century... It's the Holy Grail War again right? Well, I'm sure your work is going to skyrocket this year." Alaya said as she sipped some milk. _'Mine as well...'_

"No... Something worse... Is it my imagination?" Gaia resumed stamping the mountain of paperwork on her desk, unlike Alaya who was watching television on the couch and eating EX ranked oatmeal cookies with EX ranked milk made by a certain red shadow.

"Emiya-kun, more please." Alaya in the frilly Gothic white one piece dress held out the empty plate to the Counter Guardian in the high school uniform wearing the red and white vertically striped apron.

* * *

"So, that's his brilliant plan? To throw us out into the blizzard without a warning or a proper reason other than training? Some grandfather he is." Berserker scowled. The two were shivering in the cold, since they were kicked out with only the clothes on their backs. "When I get back, I'm going to murder him..."

"B-brr-zerr-kerr..." Illya says with her teeth chattering.

"I know, I'll do something. I just found the perfect thing too." Berserker glanced at the the grey figures that were slowly surrounding them. "How does wolf meat sound for dinner? Maybe start a fire..."

"H-h-ow ar-r w-we g-g-going t-to st-start a f-fire in the f-firrist place-ce?" Illya says as she tries to get her homeostasis kicking in.

"Ah that's true..." Berserker glanced at the wolves, who began to pounce at the two as a pack of over 20. "Shit!" Berserker cried. Reaching underneath his jacket, he materialized his body and threw a few chicken drumsticks at the pack.

Illya stared blankly at the wittiness of the servant and decided not to question his actions as he pulled on her smaller hand. She expected him to fight them off, not lure them away with KFC as bait.

"Let's bail!"

_'At least he's smart...'_ Illya thought as they began to head further and further away from the forest. _'I would most likely do much worse for a servant... Berserker is barely wasting any prana with his noble phantasm!'_

Walking in a steady pace away from the wolves, in just a few minutes they were nowhere in the wolves' sight.

"Haha, that was a first time for me." Berserker says as he scratched the back of his head.

"..." Illya was somewhat amazed by the servant's genius. Sure, it was silly but super effective!

Guurgle~

The noise of Illya's stomach broke the Servant's mirth. "Want some candy?" Berserker took out a small, round lollipop from under his jacket once more. Illya still wasn't sure about her servant's abilities, which were a complete mystery.

Looking at the sweet object, Illya nodded in both hunger and curiosity.

* * *

It had been less than several hours since Illya was thrown out of the castle.

However something unexpected just occurred for the old man Acht. He felt two beings touch the bounded field around the Einzbern territory. Having them well in their grasp, they shouldn't be able to escape.

* * *

"Well, would you look at that..." Berserker grinned with the bucket of chicken wrapped around his left arm. "Finally, out of the dumb blizzard. Maybe I can finally get some sunlight for my stuff too."

_'The bigger question was how he was able to navigate out of the forest so easily.'_ Illya thought with the candy still in her mouth, as she was following the bigger Servant the whole time. With the strange slim object in his hand, they easily made it out of the forest, avoiding only 6 conflicts with some wolves so far by throwing fried chicken at them. Long story short, it was a very, smooth stroll. "But, Grandfather's bounded field... How are you going to get past that?"

"Bounded wha?" Berserker said, turning his face as he walked into a tree. "...Ow. That's weird. Normally I avoid this kind of crap." He complained as he pulled out a splinter out of his forehead.

Berserker looked down at the snow trail he made, which strangely derailed a 90 degrees left turn abruptly.

"I see... 'Bounded field' huh?" Berserker said as he glared at the large black gates made of some metal. "So do I solve some weird puzzle here like usual? Nah, I'll just blow this crap up."

Berserker pulled out a very, very long stick with an oversized arrowhead tip behind him from under the black jacket. To Illya and many others, this looked like a magic trick.

_'That looks like one of Kiritsugu's...'_ Illya thought as she stared at the RPG-7 in Berserker's hands. Pulling the trigger with quick aiming skills, Berserker fired.

Kaboom!*

Although the explosion shook the ground and created many vibrations, it didn't faze the bounded field at all, and the gates were still intact.

"Tch." Berserker clicks his tongue, lowering the rocket launcher that was used and stuffed it back into his pants in Illya's point of view. In truth he put it back into the dimensional pocket in his jacket he created with his mastery of troll physics. "No good huh?"

It was no noble phantasm, since Illya received no stimulation of pain or increase in temperature. It was an normal armament that came with the servant, like armor.

_'Uwah, what a weak noble phantasm... So they're really exaggerated then...'_ Illya thought after looking at the aftermath. The trees surrounding the explosion were wrecked though.

Berserker looked at the gate one last time in deep thought. "Hmm... Illya, know any other way to get out of here?" He turned around to face the small master.

"I haven't heard of anyone ever getting past Grandfather's bounded field without his permission."

"...Oh well." Berserker sighed._ 'Close enough... And there's some sunlight at least. I can finally recharge my electricity!'_ "Then let's stay here."

"Stay?" Illya asked with her face red from her body overheating. _'In this cold weather? We're going to starve...'_

"Yup." Rummaging his jacket's pocket this time, he took out a small silver capsule with a 'C' labeled on it. Pushing down a button on the capsule, he tossed it roughly 70 meters away into the open field of snow that he cleared out.

"This is..."

* * *

Back to Akasha...

"It's so hot..." Gaia laid on the wooden desk, sweating like a pig in her black and white business suit.

"Really?" Alaya asks, who was now eating a bowl of EX ranked mashed potatoes. "I'm not feeling any heat over here..."

"I'm taking it off." Gaia pulled off the black tie around her neck.

"Wait... Here, put this on." The only Counter Guardian in the room sighed, and threw an identical dress he found in their closet to Gaia. _'Global warming at this stage so early?'_

"Thank you." Gaia resumed undressing, as the Counter Guardian walked up to the freezer and took out an ice cream bar. Of course, all of his works were made with upmost Godliness that surpassed the God of cooking: himself; giving himself satisfaction because it was ranked EX.

"...I want some dessert too." The will of humanity began drooling. The Counter Guardian sighed once more and returned to the freezer, later handing her a cone of creamy strawberry and vanilla yogurt.

* * *

"Wow... Where did you get all this?" Illya looked around the small mansion. The technology around her was amazing; flat screen TVs, compact couches fluffy enough to be beds, machines that were cooking pizza frying food and ridiculously more things that seemed out of place anywhere for the 21st century.

"Well, I picked it off from the ground on the way to school one day... But people don't believe me anyway..." Berserker shrugged. _'Well, nobody would believe Trunks or Dragon Ball Z was real in the first place.'_

"Oooh..." Illya poked the cold green gel surrounding the objects floating inside it. "Hey, what is this?"

"Stick your hand in it and find out." Berserker grinned.

Illya did so. "It's cold..."

"It's a refrigerator." Berserker explained.

"Really?" Illya asked with her eyes of a curious child. She had seen the kitchen in the Einzbern castle a number of times that was equipped with a large box before, but this?

"Yup. I picked this place up from the ground, but I made it so easy to live in I didn't have to move an inch for decades!" The servant laughed proudly. "Want me to show you something else?" He grinned, typing a few letters on the semi-holographic keyboard on the white couch. "Come here..."

"Oh!" Illya jumped onto the couch by the bulletproof glass, looking out the wide paned window in awe.

* * *

The next morning, the Einzbern head was awakened by an earthquake.

"!?" The old man jumped out of his sleep, taking a look outside the window to find the issue that disturbed his rest.

He found that there was no snow. None at all.

Instead, the whole Einzbern territory's snow was replaced with the lush greenery of nature not seen in over two Millennium!

"What's the meaning of this...!?" He was interrupted by a minor landslide covering the castle, seeing nothing but darkness now. It was as if the magecraft cast onto the Einzbern territory was undone!

* * *

Sella did not know what to think of this.

Yesterday, her master was thrown out of the Einzbern castle in the name of training after summoning her Servant Berserker. She was against it, but couldn't defy Jubstacheit Von Einzbern in the first place. Illyasviel had a legendary servant after all, and was powerful as proved in the Fourth HGW, so she should be safe.

Well, now she was too safe.

"A flying castle?" Leysritt wondered, looking at the small white mansion floating in the blue sky. It had never been seen before; in fact it was ridiculous for it to be flying in Einzbern territory of all things.

She didn't know what to be more surprised from; the castle itself, the fact that there was no snow, or the Einzbern castle that was now covered in rocks and mud trapped inside the mountain that they were forced to evacuate due to having caved in it's roof and upper floors. The remaining parts was now buried underneath a rockslide, due to all the snow on the mountain melting as well.

"Ojou-sama, please be safe..." Sella prayed.


End file.
